


trade all my tomorrows

by alittlebitrestless



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Asexual Character, Asexual Jughead Jones, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-27
Updated: 2018-08-27
Packaged: 2019-07-03 02:42:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15809691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alittlebitrestless/pseuds/alittlebitrestless
Summary: It's not Archie's fault that he thinks physical trauma is the only kind there is.





	trade all my tomorrows

**Author's Note:**

> another one I wrote for my ex, who said archie reminded him of some awful people he'd known. this is not necessarily my interpretation of archie's character, but I'm proud of the writing in it, so here it is. it's not a happy story. sorry about that. <3
> 
> title is, of course, from fallout boy, because I've had 'save rock and roll' on repeat for like three weeks now?

 

He's like sunshine, to you. You're drawn to him just as surely as flowers turn to face the sun. He's everything you've ever wanted (wanted to be, to have, but that's not... ), and you were so happy to have him that you _kept_  telling him that, every day.

 

 

Except... you didn't want him like this.

You didn't _know_.

He's still the same Archie. He still- he still smiles with his entire body, still looks at you like you're his world, still writes songs to you and timidly asks if you like them like he somehow thinks you might say _no_. ( You never say no to him.) He's beautiful, and you finally have him all to yourself.

But all the things you managed to overlook as _friends,_ all the things you thought you'd taught him better than to do, they're still there. And after you confessed that you've been in love with him since middle school, quiet and afraid, waited for him to laugh in your face, and instead he brushed his fingers over your cheeks and _beamed_ at you like the giant puppy you thought he was and said he felt the same- there's no going back.

Sometimes you dream about how that moment could have gone. In your dream, he laughs. Says he'd never want you, why would you think he could, you're too broken for him. You dream he walks away, doesn't answer your texts or your apology notes, doesn't look you in the eyes anymore when you see each other. 

So yeah, sometimes you dream it. It's not a nightmare.

\---

You know you're broken. He's told you, in so many words.

You told him there was a word for it, asexuality, and he told you that you were wrong.

"You haven't tried, so how do you know," and "but who _doesn' t_ like that?" and "I thought you loved me," and "it feels really good, Jug, c'mon. Just try it, you'll enjoy it once you get into it."

Well. Now you _have_ tried it, because  you _do_ love him, and now you know. Now you know you don't like it. (You never say no to him, remember? Why would you _ever_  say no when he wants to spend time with you?)

But Archie doesn't force you, that's the important thing. Archie would _never_  force you, would be horrified at the idea that he'd hurt you. He's sweet, really. It's not his fault, though, that he thinks physical trauma is the only kind there is.

He also thinks you don't cry, while he sleeps, don't hide in the shower with the water hot enough that you'd flinch if you hadn't already hidden deep inside your body already, safe away from anything that would touch you on the outside. He thinks you like it. You're used to lying to the world, hiding safe behind your armor. You've never lied to him. You didn't even know you could try without him seeing through you, but this new relationship is just full of surprises.

\---

You wish, sometimes, despite everything, that he was around more. You know he's busy. He's talked to you about this- used those exact words, too: "Jughead, we've talked about this," and reminded you of everything he's doing that's so much more important than you.

He tells you that he wishes he could spend time with you, that he'd love to (not that he loves _you_ \- do you catch the difference?) but he has so many things to do.

You're not sure what those things _are_ , because nothing ever seems to get done, but you know they exist. He tells you they exist. And if you don'tlove him, if you don't _trust_  him, what do you have left? 

\---

No one else sees anything wrong with you two. Betty coos over you that this was fate and she's glad to see everything worked out for you. Veronica tells you she's jealous, smiling so you know she's kidding.

They were the ones you might have told, but if they can't see that anything is wrong- well, maybe it isn't wrong.

Maybe it's just you.

Maybe you're the problem.

\---

No, wait, you knew that. You knew it was you.

\---

If you weren't somehow the problem, he would want to be around you. If you weren't the problem, you'd be _willing_  to show him you love him.

If you weren't the problem, you wouldn't be upset right now.

If you weren't the problem, he'd be happy with you.

\---

You thought- you can barely remember what you thought, now, except that it was stupid, naive, the daydream of a child who didn't know any better.

You hate that child so much that thinking about it strangles you sometimes.

You thought that loving him would make you better. Would give you a family, and love, and the kind of closeness with someone that he has with his father. You thought if he loved you, you'd be... finally worthy of love.

Either this isn't love, or love isn't fixing you like you hoped.


End file.
